Subject: The Second Coming is near: Jesus attributes delay of Second Coming to Being in Closet from the pulpit of heaven In a declaration from Heaven earlier today, Jesus Christ Our Lord and Savior shocked millions of his followers today by openly declaring himself to be a homosexual. "Those who know me, know that my Name is Lord, and that I am gay." He has reportedly scheduled the announcement due to revelations concerning his appearance in numerous San Francisco area bars, as well as alleged reports of a relationship with magician David Blain. Our Lord has urged his followers not to lose faith. "I'm still the same Messiah I was 2,000 years ago, and I'm just as God made me. In fact, I am God in a way." This has not stopped numerous religious leaders from announcing their intentions to discuss certain key indoctrines, including a convergence in Vatican City to discuss whether He could be ex-communicated. "There's a lot of back-peddling we're going to have to do now, in order to decide whether we really want to teach our kids about a Savior prone to Original Sin" commented Cardinal Jose Luis Opiscipo. Asked to comment on His relationship with God Our Father, Jesus admitted the situation "is still tense, but He's taking it well. He told Me that in a way He knew it all along, being omnipotent and all that." Despite the situation, Jesus assures us that after a brief vacation with Blain in South Beach He will be "back to buisness. I didn't mean to take so long in bringing forth the end of the world, but I had to be sure My Gospel, as well as My sexuality, would still be accepted." While vacationing, the Lord assured reporters that the tasks of judging souls and attributing salvation would be taken care of by long-time friend and ardent follower George W. Bush, who He declared is also making sure that the Second Coming "won't be too long now." Charles